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| source: weheartit.com |
It's glad to back writing again. It's such a long time ago since I wrote in this journal. So many things happened when I disappeared from this blank sheet. The world had been changed since then and I learned a lot from what I experience. I want to share what I really learned from everything now.
"I'm just trying to be brave."
or what actually sounded like
"I'm still trying to be brave."
It's like the most correct phrase to show what I did right now. Some of you might think, what the hell are you doing? or what is the most fearful thing until you become disturbed right now? the answer is me. Yes, myself. Why the hell are you scared of yourself? How could a person scare of her/himself? Yes, it's actually complicated for you, but for me, being scared of myself is a process of dealing with something inside me that I can't control before.
In mid-2018, my feeling of being scared of myself was begun. It's happened just like a flash. I didn't actually aware when it's begun, but it's happened after the junior year begun. Around October 2018, I felt like I have been haunted by something. I always worried about everything, especially my grades. At that time I just felt so overwhelmed, I still handled an event as a coordinator, being a secretary to an organization, started my part-time job, and did my responsibility as a junior year student- the hardest part of being a college student. But, I thought it just common stress among a college student, and I didn't mind about it. A month later, It already disappeared, but actually, that feeling still grew inside me.
Earlier 2019, that feeling came into me again. This time was getting worse. I still had the same old mindset, "ah this is just what a junior year college student felt." Actually, It was denial. I denied anything: being overwhelmed with anything, feeling worried about something that doesn't exist, being haunted by a creation, always feeling sick when I felt anxious, and growing a toxic positivity inside my mind. I denied with a generalization: "Okay Sinta, this is normal, you just stress for all your responsibility, all you can do just finish it". But, it was totally a toxic mindset. I still went hard on myself, tried to handle everything, and yes, all I felt just depressed, abasement, and felt like totally a loser who couldn't fulfill her responsibility. It made me overthinking.
It was getting worse day by day. The physical symptoms had come. I had insomnia. I always felt so tired when came from school. I often had a headache and it very hurt. Sometimes I felt like I won't eat anything or it could be the opposite. I also felt so dizzy and my heart was beating very fast when I saw a trigger. At the same time, I couldn't handle myself so I lose everything. I always procrastinated my tasks, I worried about what would people say about me, and at that time my organization had a worse conflict ever. It affected me a lot. Sometimes I took medicine, an analgetic medicine to made myself feel better and fall asleep quickly. Sadly, I took it almost every day because what I wanted just slept comfortably without a headache or awoke all night long with overthinking
I always triggered when I saw a new task. It made my heart beating very fast like it would jump out from my mouth. I worried if I couldn't finish that semester with a good grade. It became haunted me all day long. Also, at that time I had a very complicated conflict in my organization. Wherever I came to the meeting, I always felt so anxious, my headache had come, my heart wanted to jump out from my body and I felt so dizzy. But, the biggest mistake I never told my partners about it. I just felt like I still handle this conflict.
"I was the core committee, it was my responsibility too, I didn't want to be a burden for my team". That was what I tried to tell myself. Another toxic mindset inside me.
You might already know the answer. Yes, I couldn't handle everything, and I lose everything.
I clearly remembered. There was a weekend in May 2019, I had an event in my organization. We prepared well for a long time and that was the d-day. Before the event has begun, I felt very well, laughing, smiling like nothing happened. After the celebration mass, I felt dizzy and a little bit of a headache. When the guests came, It were getting worse. My heartbeat was very fast, I felt bellyful, and I lose my breath. All I saw just a lot of color, I panic, I had a panic attack. I almost hit everyone, I almost cried at that time. I run outside the hall looking for fresh air, and it disappeared. I decided to come back, all my friends were looking for me. I stayed for around 15 minutes in the hall. But, It attacked me again, I run outside again. I thought no, it would make them worried. So, I decided to leave the event for my better feeling. When I rode my motorcycle, I thought, "What the hell was that?". And after I arrived home, that feeling totally disappeared.
My life still went the same, nothing changed inside me. After I finished that semester, I felt a little bit free, but another time I blamed myself for couldn't present a good performance to my team because of what I worried about before. And then July had come. Another silly thing came to me. It was 2 weeks before I went to the Philippines to attend an exchange program with my team. At that time I also had a project in my office and I should run the organization alone because my coworkers already did their service program in the village. Sunday morning, I felt I had a fever, all my body parts are cold. I had a cold sweat. I felt the same headache as in May. I felt so out of power. Then, my parents took me to the hospital.
Do you know what happened when I met the doctor?
He said that I had a good physical condition.
He said I'm totally feel good. Instead of my blood pressure because I had low blood pressure.
How could? How could? That's what I thought about. Then, he said to me to make an appointment with another professional. So, I made an appointment and at that time I diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
According to DSM-V, Generalized Anxiety Disorder is characterized by persistent and worry about different things. The person find him/herself difficult to handle the worries, and losing control of the worries. It happened at least for six months or showed at least three symptoms. It can be caused by everything like jobs, conflict or another typical life circumstances. The anxiety, worries and another symptomps can be affected in your daily activity. So, thats why sometimes it can be affected to the relationship, job performance or productivity.
I kinda crazy, I thought. How could a psychology student have a GAD when she already learns it in at the class? How could a psychology student can not aware of herself of having an anxiety problem? It sounded ironic for me. All I did just blame myself, denied and generalized, but I remembered he said to me.
When a doctor sick, he needs another doctor to fix the problem. It doesn't make him powerless and useless, it help him to gain more power so they can help another people. So, You are. You are a strong person, but now, all you need just accepting yourself so you can be a better person after this.
Then I decided to look for help. I used my time before I went to the Philippines to fixed my problem, so I could enjoy my time there. And, I actually enjoyed my time there. It felt like a healing time for me. And after I came back to Indonesia and meet my friends, I actually got better. I continued my treatment after I came back and finally that feeling reduced. I decided to make a move, left all the environment that made me felt so bad, enjoyed the time with my family and my friends, strict to myself about a rest day, and get closer to God. I never denied myself again, I accepted what happened to me, and finally, it reduced my worries about anything. I tried to fix everything that I messed up before, forgive myself, began productive again, open up about my condition to myself. I tried to pay everything I did before, I tried to fix what I did. Until my friend said :
"I saw a brighter side from you. Are you dealing with something? You just so different than a couple months ago."
"Yes, I still on process of dealing with myself, and I almost got it now."
Now, my life is getting better and happier. But, that feeling didn't disappear clearly. A month ago I felt it again, and I know the reason: my thesis and this pandemic. I didn't have fast progress for my thesis and I began worrying a lot about my future. But this time, it feels like I know what I should do, so I look for treatment again of professional. And now, I still under professional monitoring about my condition, but, I feel like it's much better than last year.
Now, I braver and stronger than last year. I believe that I can fight this and fix this. I get a lot of support when I open up about my condition. I feel more grateful now. Even I'm not actually brave enough to not worry about my future, at least I trying to be brave about what will happen tomorrow.
For you who read this story: dealing with yourself is hard to catch. But, I believe, whatever your problem, how much hard it is, I believe you can handle it because you are a strong person. If you feel so low, so useless right now, take a rest, take a deep breath for a while. Make yourself relax for a while. Remember everything that you've done now. You are matter to this world, you can stand on your own self now because you are strong. You did well. If you feel sad because the world already try to against you, or your plan doesn't go well, remember, I always here to support you, even we actually a stranger. But, I was in your position before, so you're not alone, you have me. You are stronger than you think, so don't be afraid to face the world ❤
Remember, you are strong, you're not alone, you are brave, you did well.
With love,
Sinta
